Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
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The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
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The Purge: Valentine’s Day
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I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know