People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
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First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends