pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
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Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.