Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
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HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it