Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
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If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug