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MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.