Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
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Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
they really do be looking like this
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Worth the read.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup