Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
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You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.