Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
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People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”