Software Development ⛵️
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Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
also my go-to takeaway order
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said