Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh馃ぃ 馃ぃ
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Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
I鈥檓 sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they鈥檙e watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where鈥檚 Jesuszilla
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
my boss, the chef: you can鈥檛 beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Uber: *text* It鈥檚 your Uber driver. I鈥檓 outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says 鈥渞ead 7:49 pm鈥漖 god damnit
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn鈥檛 send for ages and now you鈥檝e said something sooo odd out of context
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
no one鈥檚 wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.