[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 馃幎 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 馃幎
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he鈥檚 a doctor
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BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I鈥檝e ever been to.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…馃槀馃惍馃悜
I鈥檝e just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Apiarist: Don鈥檛! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I love how Hasbro鈥檚 Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
New Tinder profile.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.