The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
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store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
That’s easy for you to say
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
me as a parent
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans