The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
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I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Mhm.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I’m thinking of wearing a really tight white T-shirt but I’m not sure I’ll be able to pull it off.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
The Backseat Boys
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.