The Internet wins again..πππ€£π€£π€£ππ
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is βhyugh.β
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and youβre just like, βI know how to do literally none of thisβ?
copilot: youβre leaning on the intercom.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CANβT LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommyβs bed, she said βI did not put butter in it.β The mystery continues. More at 11.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
the cat wonβt stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried βheyβ and even βHeyβ
i want to work in this restaurant
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
wanna know whatβs worse than being cheated on? finding out heβs trying to cheat but nobody wants him π
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.