The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
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I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.