The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
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Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.