the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
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that de-escalated quickly
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Seems kinda suspicious