I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
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As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.