The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
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imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.