kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
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Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
NOT all policemen are strippers.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”