The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
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Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”