The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
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Perfect
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
For those that worship cheese..
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity