Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
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🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.