there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
You Might Also Like
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
HR said no more nunchucks.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
If you know, you know 😂🚔
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.