There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
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[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Lol
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them