Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
You Might Also Like
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Cardio Made Easy
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
it was a valiant fight
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.