These are too funny not to post 😂
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50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.