this is how the alphabet looks from above
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My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
if my sleeping schedule was a person
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi