This is me 馃ぃ馃ぃ
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We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
therapist: what鈥檚 on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Couldn鈥檛 finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I鈥檒l manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn鈥檛 need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th