This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
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Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.