This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
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Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Eat…
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/