THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY πππ
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The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors donβt actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says βokay Iβmma direct youβ and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, βThatβs great, bud, youβre directing so good!β
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. Iβm more expensive later.
I couldnβt afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Everyone: Weβre concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to βtake immediate actionβ so I bought a boat on Amazon. I donβt know I feel like they could be more specific.
iβm pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then Iβm put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.