I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
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Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.