Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
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China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
The biggest mystery of our time
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.