To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
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the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
wut hotdog?
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Schrödinger’s cookie
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest