Toh the desire to sin is so great ππππ€£π€·π
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What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isnβt. Except this one.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender sheβs absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
[watching paint dry]
βItβs just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he isβ
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: whatβs that Santa?
Santa: oh itβs nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant sonβ¦.nothing son
i was NOT expecting this π watch till the end
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, thereβs nothing they can do about it β they canβt stop. Itβs that that makes trains special
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that nowβ¦
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil