USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
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what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work