I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
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There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.