I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
You Might Also Like
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
me 2 months after i graduated
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.