Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
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I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.