The smoothest fall of all time
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[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
The sacred texts.
This is my favorite one of these!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Sharon I have some bad news
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed