[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
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Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?