When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
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Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
*pronounces UPS like yoops
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
They grow up so quick
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas