A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
You Might Also Like
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?