Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
You Might Also Like
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
this post was so formative to me
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Squirrels before girls.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup