If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
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One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
christening a ship with an overripe banana
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?