I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
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The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
The best plant holders?
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck