If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
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TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”