U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
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WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.